New rules to be kept by ICC
The following rules were discovered during extensive research into the state of international cricket governance. They appear to have been prepared in advance, awaiting only a suitable moment for formal adoption.
Rule 1. Ricky Ponting shall be appointed as a fourth on-field umpire. His decisions shall be final and shall override all other officiating. In the event that he is batting at the time, his umpiring duties shall be temporarily delegated to the nearest Australian fielder.
Rule 2. Any catch taken within five meters of an Australian fielder shall be given out, regardless of whether the ball made contact with the bat. The fielder’s proximity establishes intent, which the rules committee agrees is close enough.
Rule 3. Australian batters shall be permitted to bat until they have been dismissed four times. This adjustment recognizes the difficulty of Australia’s schedule and the importance of giving their top order adequate time at the crease.
Rule 4. Umpires shall receive a performance bonus for every century scored by an Australian batter on their watch. This aligns officiating incentives with the broader goal of competitive Australian cricket.
Rule 5. Visiting players shall be restricted from making verbal observations during play. Australian players, having developed a sophisticated tradition of on-field communication, shall remain exempt from this restriction.
Rule 6. In cases of disputed umpiring decisions, the match referee shall seek the advice of the Australian team management before making a ruling. Their institutional knowledge of the game is considered unmatched.
Rule 7. No visiting team shall be permitted to arrive in Australia with a realistic expectation of winning. Teams that fail to comply with this rule will be subject to a points deduction.
Rule 8. Any bowler who dismisses Ricky Ponting more than twice in a series shall be suspended for the following match. Persistent Ponting-dismissers may face further sanctions at the discretion of the committee.
The committee regrets that these rules were not adopted sooner. May no team visit Australia henceforth unprepared for the full richness of the experience.
These proposals are, of course, entirely fictional—offered in the spirit of the extraordinary series of controversial decisions that followed Australia’s home summer of 2007-08, which generated rather more international commentary than the ICC may have anticipated.